If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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