do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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