here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
