He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
