After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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