I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize