I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
