My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
