Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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