i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
