Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
