Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
