I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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