$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
