My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
