Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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