Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
