we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
