I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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