happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
