I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
