Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
