Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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