so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
