Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
