In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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