my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
