Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
