Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
