There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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