Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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