I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
