she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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