woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
