shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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