I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
