I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
