theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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