My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
