I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
