I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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