you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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