ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
