i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
