If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so let's talk penis.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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