im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
