life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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