I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
