Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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