Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
false alarm, still single
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