the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
