so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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