Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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