Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
